Viper:The Sexless Wonder
by SushiBomb
Summary: Over dinner one night, Skull's curiosity gets the better of him. The result? The most awkward situation ever. One-shot Crack. Rated M just to be safe, for language and some questionable content. Pairing: Skull X Viper


A/N: Okay…so it's 2:06 AM, and I was really bored because there was literally NOTHING to do after class today. What a bummer. And so, this little Crack Attack was spawned from my bored, slightly perverted mind.

Besides, I've wanted to write something about the Adult Arcobaleno forever, because I think they're amazing and really don't get enough love. I finally had the opportunity! Yay!

Summary: Over dinner one night, Skull's curiosity gets the better of him. The result? The most **awkward** situation ever, that's what.

Pairing: Skull x Viper (Which I think is adorable!)

Warnings: Language, limey content, crack.

I rated this M just to be safe. Enjoy!

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Viper: The Sexless Wonder

* * *

Skull pursed his lips for what had to be the third or fourth time in fifteen minutes. He wasn't normally one to dwell on things, but _this _particular thing was **really** starting to bother him. The cloud guardian chanced a stealthy glance around the ornate dining room table at the other members of the Arcobaleno.

Luce was just coming out of the kitchen, oven mitt-covered hands holding a tray of some kind of pasta dish. Her face held its usual serene, motherly smile as she set the tray down in the middle of the table and took her seat next to Reborn, who was discussing (read: arguing about) something with Colonello. Most likely the best way to hide a body or some other murder-related topic. The dark-haired hitman didn't talk about much else, really.

Either way, Skull was not going to get involved in _that _heated discussion. Note the sarcasm.

On the other side of him, Verde was attempting to explain some weird, unnecessarily complicated thesis on some 'quantum blahblah' bullshit no one but him had the slightest understanding of (or interest in, for that matter) to Fon who, unsurprisingly, looked like he really didn't give a rat's ass as he calmly sipped his tea. How the martial artist could tune out Verde's passionate, bordeline psychotic rambling was beyond him, but it was a skill he wished he had.

But back to the matter at hand.

Skull felt his eyebrow give an involuntary twitch. Seriously. He couldn't believe that he was the only one that seemed to be bothered by _this._

He turned his violet stare to the last two members of the Arcobaleno sitting directly across the table from him. Specifically to the black-clad mist illusionist sitting unassumingly next to Lal, counting a thick wad of green bills.

Skull started chewing on the chain attached to his lip ring, which he normally did when he was thinking hard about something. He scrutinized Viper's movements as a dainty hand reached for the fork embedded in a small scoop of macaroni. The illusionist took a half-hearted nibble before returning to a new pile of currency.

The covetous spellcaster quickly sifted through the bills, lips moving as Viper silently counted, neatly segregating them into piles according to amount, mouth upturning slightly at the stack of hundreds, which was just a little higher than the other stacks.

Skull noted the long, black nail polish-covered finger nails attached to very slender fingers, which were attached to a delicate looking wrist, attached to a delicate looking arm, which was attached to a very slender, unintimidating (at first glance, anyway) person.

The cloud guardian narrowed his violet eyes. This had been nagging him ever since they moved into this sprawling mansion, provided to them courtesy of both the Vongola and the Giglio Nero famiglias a few weeks back.

He just couldn't figure out what the fuck Viper was.

It's not like he could just ask or anything. He was the baby, and by definition the weakest, of this merry little band of misfits, and the others (by which he meant Reborn, Colonello and Lal Mirch, or Lal Butch as he preferred to call her) never let him forget it. Usually by way of bodily harm. But seriously…wasn't anyone else the least bit curious? With most people, it was usually obvious right away. But clearly, a certain someone sitting across from him was _not_ most people.

Skull slurped up some noodles noisily, cradling his head in his free hand.

Viper could just be a very effeminate guy. The cloud guardian stared hard at the smaller Arcobaleno, specifically his/her/it's chest region. Viper certainly didn't have any boobage unlike Luce or Lal, who, even though she taped them down, it was still obvious that her breasts were there. But Viper appeared to be flat as a board. Then again, the indigo-haired psychic was an illusionist too. Things aren't always what they seem.

And it certainly didn't help that Viper kept his/her/it's face hooded all the time, not mention their body, which was covered from head to toe in that black cloak, save the hands.

However, sometimes when Skull happened to be looking at Viper, he noticed that if the mist guardian moved in a certain way that made that cloak cling to his/her/their body, it appeared that Viper had curves…and some nice ones at that. Wait a minute…

Skull blanched.

Better not think a long _those_ lines… he had no idea what the hell Viper was.

Skull released the chain he had been chewing on, and started twirling his tongue ring around idly, as he did when he was in deep thought **and** agitated. It annoyed him to no end that in some ironic sense of humor the universe seemed to have, **everything **about Viper was decidedly unisex.

Like his/her/it's name for example. Viper could be a guy's name, but it could work for a chick too. And that voice. It was lilting and sultry like a woman, but still just low enough to be relatively normal on a man too.

And that was just the start. Nothing Viper did, said or wore hinted toward either gender, and evidently everyone, save Skull, seemed to be perfectly alright with that. But he really needed to know. This little mystery had been driving him insane, like a splinter in his brain. Or worse. Like being locked in a room with Verde.

Either way, he had to figure out Viper's gender or he was sure he was going to kill himself.

"Stare any harder and I'll charge you a fee." A low voice droned from the other side of the table. Viper, who had evidently long noticed Skull's blatant gawking, had finally had enough and decided to say something.

Skull scoffed. Like hell he'd admit that he had been caught red-handed.

"I wasn't staring at you, weirdo. Why the fuck would I do that?" He snapped. Viper smirked.

"It seems the floating cloud has something weighing heavily on his feeble little mind. Tell me Skull, is there something you wish to ask me?"

Damn. Somehow, he always seemed to forget that Viper was a psychic. Hopefully, he/she/ it wasn't a mind reader too.

"I-um…"

He started drumming his fingers fretfully. He was not going to ask. He was not going to ask. He wasn't going to crack.

"Well? I'm waiting."

_I'm not gonna say a damn thing. I'm not gonna ask. I'm not gonna look stupid in front of everyone. I'm not gonna crack. Just look awaaaay Just look awaaaaaay._ Skull thought anxiously to himself. His eyes darted around the room nervously, trying to look in any direction but the mist guardian's.

Skull suddenly felt hot. By this time, everyone had ceased their discussions/arguments/ semi-neurotic ramblings and were all staring at him oddly…well, more oddly than usual. And Viper was _still_ smirking that knowing little smirk at him.

He wasn't going to ask. He was NOT going to ask. He was NOT goi-

"What the fuck are you?" Skull blurted out, quickly slapping a gloved hand over his mouth.

_Goddammit! _He shouted in his mind. But it was too late to take it back. For once Viper had an expression on his/her/it's face other than 'blah,' as the spellcaster actually looked not only completely taken aback, but a tad insulted.

Apparently, the psychic hadn't read his mind afterall.

"I beg your pardon?" Viper asked, a noticeable edge in the normally monotonous voice. Skull heard Colonello snort. Well, it was too late to turn back now. Might as well press his awful luck a bit further and see where it he ends up. Hopefully not dead.

"I mean, are you a man or a woman? It's bugging the shit outta me!"

Luce gasped.

"Skull! How can say something so rude?" She chastised.

"What? Like none of you all ever thought about it? I can't sit here and stare at this genderless freak anymore!"

"None of us have thought that at all! Apologize to Viper right this instant!"

Reborn suddenly raised his hand, doing his best to ignore the scathing glare he received from the Arcobaleno boss.

"I'm actually pretty curious too."

"Same here, kora!" Colonello piped up from his spot, followed by Fon.

"I too have pondered this little riddle."

Verde slapped his notes down.

"I've spent countless hours doing observational research and experimented on dozens of subjects, but even I can't figure out what the hell you are!"

Skull wondered absently what kind of experiments Verde could have possibly performed to decipher Viper's gender on subjects that clearly didn't include Viper him/her/itself. How do you go about testing something like that? And by observational research, Skull was sure Verde meant stalking. The man was such a nutbar.

But whatever. Beggars can't be choosers, and it was reassuring to see that he wasn't the only one who has thought about this.

Lal and Luce shared incredulous looks. They didn't appear to be curious at all. Skull figured they already knew. Probably that 'woman's intuition' or whatever.

Viper's lips curled at one corner slightly. The mist Arcobaleno settled against the back of his/her/their chair, arms crossed.

"It is indeed a great conundrum, isn't it?"

The cloud Arcobaleno nodded fervently.

"Yeah it is! Come on, just tell me before I go nuts!"

"Oh I'll tell you…" Viper began, in that tone of voice that indicated he/she/it was going to be turning a nice profit in the immediate future.

"…for a small fee, of course."

"How much?" Viper held out a pale, wiry hand, tapping his/her/ it's open palm demandingly.

"Fifty Euros, please."

Skull scratched his chin, frowning as he dug around in his jumpsuit pocket.

Reborn chuckled.

"That's more than you have in your pocket, I'm sure."

Skull growled at the peels of laughter from around the table.

"Well what about you assholes, huh?"

Reborn smirked toothily.

"My wallet's upstairs."

Fon shrugged.

"I don't have anything on me at the moment either."

Colonello stood up and reached into his pocket. His previously obnoxious-looking smirk shrank noticeably upon inspection of his pocket's contents.

"Well?"

"Let's see…I have fifteen Euros, an expired condom, and a bent paper clip, kora!"

Viper laughed airily.

"Expired condoms don't count as currency, fool. Try again."

Everyone looked at Verde. The scientist felt around in his lab coat pockets, slapping ten Euros on the table before standing and digging in his pants pockets. He dropped another twenty Euros on the table.

"That's all I have."

Viper stood up, dragging the money over to his/her/ it's side of the table like a gambler who just won a million dollars in a Vegas casino.

They all waited as the spellcaster quickly totaled up the money.

"Oooh…too bad boys, there's only forty-five Euros here. My fee is fifty."

A round of disbelieving shouts and curses echoed throughout the mansion.

"Fuck you bitch! We ain't giving you anymore money!"

Viper didn't miss a beat.

"Well I guess you'll never find out what I've got under this cloak then, huh?"

"Oh, I'm gonna find out!" Skull shouted.

It was Viper's turn to sneer at the unruly cloud Arcobaleno.

"Really? And how do you plan to accom-"

Viper didn't get to finish his/her/ it's sentence as the spellcaster was promptly tackled with a decidedly un-Viperlike shriek to the floor by a thoroughly peeved Skull. The other members of the Arcobaleno listened in amusement, horror, and awe to the two wrestling around on the floor. Or more accurately, Viper was trying in vain to push the stronger assassin off of him/her/itself.

"Get off me you baffoon!"

"Not until I find out what the hell you are!"

They heard a lot of rustling, followed by silence, and then a small gasp of 'Skull!' was heard. Finally, Lal took the chance and peered to her right. The other followed suit.

Viper was laying on the tiled floor looking absolutely scandalized, black cloak bunched up around his/her/it's mid-thighs, blushing madly. Skull was sprawled half on-top of the illusionist, his gloved hand up Viper's cloak as he shamelessly felt around like some sort of demented gynecologist, making little 'hmm' sounds.

They all waited patiently.

"AHA! I knew it! I- I...oh...oh shit..."

Skull's eyes suddenly went wide, his face flushing very heavily as he finally realized exactly what he had just done.

"Umm…wow…okay…" He stuttered, trying desperately to think of something to say that would diffuse this inconceivably awkward situation. Naturally, he couldn't come up with anything.

Viper fidgeted a bit, coming up to rest on his/her/it's elbows.

"W-well, now that you know, would you mind removing your hand from inside my underwear?" The illusionist bit out, voice coming out a little huskier than he/she/it meant it to. Skull definitely noticed.

"S-sure." He said shakily, but made no effort to remove his hand. The others watched the uncomfortable debacle in stunned silence. Viper cleared his/her/it's throat.

"Today, please."

Skull was starting to sweat a bit. For some reason, this was really, really nerve-wrecking. He just couldn't move his hand.

"S-soo, how 'bout the weather today…it's pretty nice…"

"SKULL!"

"I know, I know! Just breathe! Just …gotta… breathe…" He said to himself nervously, on the verge of hyperventilating as he willed his disobedient hand to move. Viper made a strangled noise.

"I'm not giving birth you idiot! Skull, would you PLEASE remove your disgusting, perverted hand? Your fingers are uncomfortably close to my-AAAAH!"

It was Viper's turn to slap a hand over **her** mouth as a very loud, very sensual, and most importantly very **feminine**, moan escaped her lips. Skull promptly removed his hand from underneath Viper's cloak, clutching his face in mortification.

"I-I have to go-go away now." He stuttered out hurriedly before standing up and dashing out of the dining room like an Olympic sprinter.

Reborn, who never EVER passed up an opportunity to tease the younger man, called after him.

"Where ya goin', Skull?"

At that Skull turned around, and everyone saw him pinching his bleeding nose to keep it from dripping onto his jumpsuit or the floor.

He gave Reborn the one-finger salute before disappearing into another part of the house.

Everyone else looked back down at Viper, who was in the process of standing up and making herself decent again, all the while fanning herself and trying to get rid of the pink tint on her tattooed cheeks. The mist guardian walked up to the table and snatched the forty-five euros off of the surface.

Everyone just watched her in faint amusement.

"I'm keeping this money. Just so you all know." She said quietly before pocketing the money and, with as much dignity as she could muster up, stalked out of the kitchen.

A beat passed.

"Damn that was hot, kora!"

Lal promptly kicked Colonello in the crotch.

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Wow… I am a pervert. Lol. But this is how I see that whole situation playing out. Yay Fem!Viper is badass! Soooo? Loved it? Hated it? Had a nosebleed? Read 'n' Review please, kthanx =)

S*B is out!


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